Watch out, stepmom — it’s a setup!

Here’s the most common refrain I hear from women after they’ve hooked up with a single dad:

“Yeah, it was all great for a while, but it’s becoming more and more clear that my husband (my boyfriend, my fiancé, my partner) wants me to be a ‘mother figure’ for his kids.

I hear from other stepmoms that it’s not the best approach. He doesn’t agree.

Whenever I try to talk to him about it, I end up feeling like a heel. I mean, how could I *not* want to be a mother to his kids? Am I an evil stepmom or something?”

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this scenario, I’d be…well, up to my armpits in nickels!

This dynamic might actually work for some folks, but I see bonus mom after bonus mom working her butt off in a valiant but futile effort to serve or chauffeur or babysit her way into the family.

You can put on the apron, as they say, but you’ll never achieve the “mother figure” status that your partner believes is just a pancake away.

So, why is it that even the best-intentioned stepmom can’t climb up onto that ‘mom’ pedestal?

It’s a setup. Those kids already have a mother!

Even if she doesn’t do any of the things a mother is supposed to do, most kids agree — the position is filled.

Think about this:

Do you want another mother? Probably not.

You might wish your mother had done a thing or two differently back in the day, but you probably never literally wanted to change jerseys and root for another mom. A child with two ‘mothers’ often gets stuck at some point in what’s known as a ‘loyalty bind’; they want to be able to like you, maybe even love you, but nature has only provided room for one mother in their heart*. (*this doesn’t apply to 2-mom families where the moms live together!).

When they start wishing you could be their real mom, it’s like they have to kick her out of the nest for a moment. That’s when they get stabbed with a sharp guilty feeling that makes them want to punish themselves.

You know what it looks like when a child wants to punish themselves? Yes, you do!

Unplug that maternal instinct if you know what’s good for you.

If you’re a normal healthy woman, any time you’re around children your ‘maternal instinct’ probably gets fired up. That has a way of making a woman run herself ragged, working “like-a-mother”, as they say. Unfortunately, you can’t win this game if your hormones are running the show. Nature hasn’t provided you with the template for this brand new kind of family.

You never get the affirmation you need to make it all feel worthwhile. Your partner soon expects you to keep doing all those motherly things by default, but nobody actually appreciates your efforts. This leads to resentment, and the statistics tell the story after that: 60–70% of second marriages with kids end in divorce. No wonder!

Let’s be honest, parenting after divorce is hard a/f.

It’s hard enough for most people before divorce!

Nobody wants to use up their precious visiting time throwing red cards or sending kids to their room, but I have some bad news for baby-dad. There’s no room in a stepfamily to run that trusty old “good cop/bad cop” play. He’s got to learn to be both cops all the time, now.

Here’s the thing, dad: if your new wife or girlfriend starts parenting like you think you want her to, she’s going to start to notice all the things you don’t do the way she thinks they oughta be done. Then she’s going to start complaining about stuff that’s actually none of her business. If you’re gonna make it her business by asking her to be a mother to your kids, you’ll probably be sorry!

You need to figure out how to stand in your own boots as a parent and it’s going to take some practice. Yes, you’re gonna fail at it from time to time and your new woman will have to practice something too: resisting the urge to rub your nose in it. At the end of the day, these are your kids and that means you get to mess up, and figure it out, and try again as much as you want.

What are you then, if not a “mother figure”?

Most of my stepmom friends find that “auntie” works pretty well for them. A few go with “friend”, or “mentor”. I personally feel comfortable with “fairy godmother”, but that’s just me. I have a fondness for magic.

Stepping out of the mother paradigm is actually a gift for your stepkids. They can allow themselves to love you as an aunt, a friend, a mentor, or whatever you choose, and then they can accept what you have to offer instead of feeling obliged to reject it.

They don’t have to feel disloyal. What’s more, when you get comfortable in a stepmom role that doesn’t include playing in bio-mom’s sandbox, that gives her more space to relax and stop trying to disrupt your life!

When you make more room for dad to do all his rightful parenting, your stepkids will get the connection they so desperately need with their him. It’s a win-win-win!

Every divorced dad could use a few new parenting tricks, especially if bio-mom is unravelling all his limits and consequences faster than she can cash a support cheque! There’s no time to lose standing around like a buck in the headlights, because the clock is ticking.

It’s not just custody issues that limit the time your man has to make his mark as a dad. Calculations show that has the average parent has already spent 95% of their time with their children by the time they reach 18. Ouch!

The truth is, he doesn’t really need you to be like a mother to his child. What he really needs is some help to be all the father his child deserves. That’s a path you can walk together and it will set your whole family up for success!