I’ve been a new mom, a single mom, a re-partnered mom and a stepmom. Nothing about parenting is easy, but the challenges of step-parenting seem light years harder than anything I experienced with my own child. For one thing, before step-parenting, I felt in control of the problems and the solutions. And I never had to deal with backing off from parenting in order to do it better.
I’ve spent the last 13 years often burning my candle at both ends: trying to give my partner’s kids what I think they need, while getting out of the way so they can connect with me more. Paddling like crazy through the rapids at times and being told to get my oars right out of the water at others. Learning to show my stepkids how deeply I care about them by letting go of my responsibility for them.
It’s a perfect recipe for emotional burnout and I’m sure it’s part of the reason that 70% of second marriages with kids don’t last.
Our family has been one of the lucky ones, and a lot of what made it work was looking outside the box for solutions to our problems. I wanted to start sharing some my unconventional strategies to help other women on the stepmom journey. I decided to focus on the problem of step-parent burnout because I’ve lived it and I could relate to what I was hearing from others on social media forums and chat groups.
I surveyed over 200 women and asked them to sum up their own experience of burnout in one word.
The results painted a vivid picture of what many stepmoms feel inside but don’t often articulate because they feel too embarrassed to share their own failure. There’s a lot of shame around having “signed up for this”, when of course, nobody ever has the slightest idea what the future holds or how things will play out in real life.
These women are also dealing with a double stigma: being a stepmother (really, who wants to be one of those?) and being somehow “not-good-enough”. No surprise that a combination of conflict, stress and secrecy leads eventually to burnout. The good news is, there is help for this no matter how intense it feels or how long you’ve been feeling it!
The survey response words fit into categories that correspond to stages of stepmom burnout syndrome I’ve identified, from moderate to severe. As you read, see which words are the ones that most resonate with your own feelings, and check out the strategies for dealing with that stage.
Stage 1
- Overwhelmed
- Unaccepted
- Frustrated
- Insignificant
- Tired
Believe it or not, these feelings are pretty normal reactions to the real difficulties of every stepfamily dynamic. The reality of stepmom life is more challenging and complicated than anyone could ever have imagined. It often involves becoming a parent figure virtually overnight, like jumping onstage into Act 2 of a play with no rehearsals!
With no playbook to follow, much of what happens in the early years is confusing and frustrating. Our role is unclear and it’s easy to feel alternately overwhelmed with responsibility and insignificant when we try to voice our opinions about values or limits. We overstep constantly, trying to work our way into a family that doesn’t seem to have a place for us. No wonder we feel tired!
If you continue just trying harder instead of learning the appropriate moves to antidote your own overstepping, you can fall into Stage 2:
Stage 2
- Invisible
- Lesser
- Unappreciated
- Used
- Exhausted
- Resentful
This is the stage where women are describing a pattern in the family dynamic that doesn’t seem to be changing over time. They perceive themselves as being less important to their household than either their spouse, his kids, or the bio-mom. They have become babysitters, cooks and chauffeurs, often taking on aspects of parenting that should rightfully belong to the biological parent. They feel like they are giving way more than what they’re getting back, and that leads to a chronic feeling of resentment that spills over into every aspect of their lives.
These feelings are important warning signs that shouldn’t be ignored. Every stepfamily is living under constant threat of break up. The statistics don’t lie — according to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, only 1 out 3 re-partnered couples with children will survive.
This is the stage where stress-related disease starts to show itself. Physical problems like sleeplessness, irritability, hormonal issues, migraines, rashes and digestive upset may all be traced to chronic stress.
Resentment is the red flag that every stepmom should be watching out for, and seeking help to resolve the issues that are responsible for it.
If the she doesn’t take steps to change something in her environment, she could fall into Stage 3, where it takes longer to make a full comeback:
Stage 3
- Empty
- Numb
- Defeated
- Done
If you recognize these feelings, you should know that they are associated with depression and you’re probably not performing at your best in your work environment. This is the stage where you have lost contact with yourself and you’re just stuck in a holding pattern, unable to connect with the promise of a brighter future.
Staging your comeback, one step at a time.
So, what makes it so hard to ask for the help you need in order to end up with the peaceful, happy family life you deserve?
For starters, you probably think the whole problem is about you. It’s not about you, it’s a situational problem that every stepmom will face on some days or during whole years of her journey!
All the words above were acknowledged by dozens of stepmoms. It’s very common, and the good news is, there are some easy solutions.
Validation
The first step in getting relief is knowing that you’re not alone. Here’s what some women added in the comments as they read the words other stepmoms were contributing to the “burnout words” thread:
“This post makes me feel much more normal”
“Me too!”
“I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one!”
If you’re in Stage 1, this kind of validation might be all you need to keep going. As you gain experience over time, and by connecting with other stepmoms who can model good problem-solving for you, you’ll start to gather the strategies that will help you avoid a more serious burnout. Find a local group, or one online with a positive vibe to support you.
One of the most validating things you can learn is that it’s not your job to overcome every parenting flaw you observe, either in their mom or in your partner. You may care about the kids, but you can’t care more about any part of the parenting than their biological parents do. The strategy known as “disengaging” (or the “nacho kids” method) is the natural antidote to overstepping, and in my opinion, it’s the one essential skill every stepmom should master.
Communication
If you relate to the Stage 2 words, you need a way to communicate your feelings to your spouse in a way he’ll be able to understand. He probably feels guilty, not just toward his kids, but towards you as well because he got you into this mess in the first place! Remember, it’s just as hard for him to confront his own guilt as it is for you to admit that you feel like you’re failing as a stepmom.
Make sure that you’re getting some time alone together every single week. If you’ve never done a regular date night, start now! Even just a walk around the block after supper together or a lunch date during the week can make all the difference. Here’s some advice: don’t dump your feelings on him on your first date night — allow yourself to focus on him the first few times and just reconnect with each other first. You’ll get the best result if you prepare the terrain a little ahead of time!
Look for ways you can ask him for help rather than tell him what he’s doing wrong.
Reconnection
If you’re well into Stage 3, focus on reconnecting with yourself. Do something grounding like soaking in a bath with loads of Epsom Salts (loads means 2–4 cups depending on the size of your tub!).
Work with your hands. Try gardening, pottery, or bread making for example. It’s good for you to dig, squeeze or knead something that stimulates your palms and fingers. This is a great way to wake up your nervous system in a gentle, supportive way.
Use some essential oils that you love and choose ones are known to help boost mood, energy and feelings of self-worth. If you’re new to essential oils, it’s easy to find info online. Way more than just nice smells, these potent molecules work with your brain chemistry, acting on the same neurotransmitters that are involved with feelings of depression and anxiety, so be sure to invest in therapeutic quality products. You’re worth it!
Starting a Gratitude Journal is one of the most uplifting things you can do for yourself. Write down 5 things you’re grateful for each day and you’ll start to notice your sparkle coming back in as little as 2 weeks.
Remember, your situation is not hopeless, and you are not helpless. These steps to lead you back from the brink are tiny, manageable ones and the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll start feeling better!
Don’t forget to bookmark this article as a reference for later on. Your step-parenting life-journey will throw you new curves all the time and you’ll want new self-help strategies as you outgrow the ones that are working for you now. That’s a good sign, by the way; it means you’re evolving!
Tracy Poizner is a guide and mentor to stepmoms, sharing unconventional wisdom about parenting, personal growth and relationships. With two decades of experience in holistic medicine and life experience as both a mother and stepmom, she has been featured on a number of podcasts and online summits related to parenting and stepfamily dynamics.
Visit her website at www.essentialstepmom.com and subscribe to The Essential Stepmom Podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Click this link to send a join request to her closed Facebook group called The Spectacular Stepmom.
