What happens to stepkids during a pandemic crisis?

These are crazy times. There’s no playbook for this.

We all have some very difficult choices to make, possibly none more emotionally difficult than those of divorced parents whose kids regularly move between households.

The ‘modern family’ is an epidemiological nightmare. There are about 15 million step-families in the U.S and Canada, and we have to ask ourselves how all these folks are going to handle custody issues because they absolutely threaten to shred all our efforts at social distancing.

Many divorced or separated parents are already at odds over how to raise their kids, so chances are they’ll find reasons to massively disagree about what’s best for their children during this crisis. Until now the courts have been suggesting that parents stick to their court-ordered agreements but these documents were written without any provision for what we’re facing today: forced closure of schools and most businesses, empty sidewalks, stockpiling of necessities.

Here are some of the foreseeable problems with custody changes in the coming weeks and months:

• Some parents will use this as an excuse to break their legal agreement in order to get more time with their kids, or to disrupt the contact of their kids with the other parent
• Some parents want or need help with the extraordinary burden of extra child care while there’s no school or daycare and want visits to continue or increase.
• Some parents have a young infant in the home, or a partner who might be more vulnerable right now because of pregnancy or chronic disease .
• Some parents are health care workers with a high risk of exposure, causing stress for the other parent.
• Some parents are willfully ignoring the call for responsible social distancing while others are over-anxious and hyper-vigilant.

There’s no way around it — kids traveling between homes will be a major vector for the spread of this virus. A person can be contagious before they have any signs or symptoms and that means that even if you feel fine when you send the kids off for their visit, you might start feeling unwell the next day, and the damage is done. The kids have been exposed even if unintentionally and now the other household has been exposed as well. Nobody wins if more people get sick.

Ideally, we’ll all step into our very best selves and choose to be of service when/if our ex decides to self-quarantine (with or without kids) or develops symptoms. Yes, you might be called on to shop, run errands, prepare food, walk pets, care for aging or isolated parents, or just provide moral and even financial support. You’ll do all these things because your kids are counting on you to show up for them, to help someone they love even if it’s not your first instinct to do so. The way you respond to this crisis will be forever etched into their memories, and that should be enough motivation!

Of course, custodial parents are also called on to go above and beyond, to create opportunities for kids to get all the contact they want, need and deserve with the parent who can’t be physically present. It’s time to bend over backwards: make your kids remember that you did the right thing, you invited your ex into your home via telephone, Skype, FaceTime or WhatsApp. You encouraged them to come and touch hands through the window, to play games with their child online, to read bedtime stories over the phone.

If this virus can do any good for humanity, let it melt some of the hostility that kids of divorced and separated parents live with. Let us all be better people when we come out the other side of this.

And finally, in the real world, many kids will have to move between homes, especially if the custodial parent gets ill. How do you deal with a visiting child who’s been exposed?

1. Don’t panic! I can’t stress enough how important it is to stay calm and do your best to make things as light and fun as possible.
2. Start the visit with a bath or shower. Have them change into fresh clothes. Those things are so simple, it would be a shame to overlook the easy ways to limit entry of germs into your home.
3. Do what you can to boost your own immunity and do the same for the kids. Take extra Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Zinc, Probiotics, and Omegas. Oil of Oregano is a well-known natural remedy something known for anti-viral properties. Drink plenty of water so your mucus membranes don’t dry out because dry areas enable the virus to take hold.
4. Don’t freak out about cleaning with bleach or antibacterial wipes. We don’t want an epidemic of antibiotic-resistant bacteria to appear after this world-wide wave of fastidious house-cleaning! Soap and water is good for hand washing and also for general cleaning. Plain white vinegar and water is very effective also.
5. Sugar is known to depress immunity, so be mindful of not offering too many sweet things. If juice is a favourite drink, dilute with water to reduce the load of sugar.